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Post by Irwin on Nov 7, 2006 21:16:31 GMT -5
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
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Post by Irwin on Nov 7, 2006 21:32:05 GMT -5
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
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Post by Irwin on Nov 7, 2006 21:32:53 GMT -5
After spending the night with a young, sexy, passion woman. Sam rolled over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer." He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation
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Post by Whizbang on Nov 8, 2006 9:28:34 GMT -5
LOL. I would have to guess that the doc was also up for election.
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Post by Irwin on Nov 8, 2006 10:09:59 GMT -5
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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Post by Whizbang on Nov 8, 2006 12:00:07 GMT -5
Musta been a milk shake.
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Post by Irwin on Nov 8, 2006 15:01:30 GMT -5
What is the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A:Beer nuts are about a dollar fifty, and Deer Nuts are under a buck!
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Post by Irwin on Nov 9, 2006 17:48:29 GMT -5
Two blondes are talking, first says, "Which is farther, the moon, or Florida?" Second blonde replies, "Duh, you can't see Florida, can you?"
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Post by Irwin on Nov 10, 2006 17:49:20 GMT -5
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Post by Whizbang on Nov 10, 2006 21:48:47 GMT -5
I don't blame her. Those are some nasty looking shoes.
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Post by Irwin on Nov 11, 2006 16:09:25 GMT -5
You ve got a good point there, I wouldn t be caught in public with those shoes on !
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Post by Irwin on Nov 11, 2006 16:18:20 GMT -5
DUSTY UNDERWEAR
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the???” he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. “April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?
She shot back: “It's not talcum powder It's 'Miracle Grow'!”
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Post by Irwin on Nov 12, 2006 7:07:40 GMT -5
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Post by Irwin on Nov 13, 2006 16:54:33 GMT -5
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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Post by Irwin on Nov 14, 2006 14:28:58 GMT -5
A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity' 'inter-stellar space travel' 'the latest medical break-throughs' etc........ The man was most impressed.
He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact the next time.
He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please" Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... 'bout 50".. The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"
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Post by Irwin on Nov 14, 2006 16:50:22 GMT -5
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Post by Irwin on Nov 15, 2006 16:40:25 GMT -5
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery.
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, No, I'm your son's math teacher
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Post by Whizbang on Nov 16, 2006 11:43:40 GMT -5
What does Pink Floyd and Chris Vance have in common? They both have the same biggest hits --- " THE WALL ".
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Post by Irwin on Nov 16, 2006 19:23:18 GMT -5
That s pretty good Whiz ! LOL
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Post by Irwin on Nov 19, 2006 8:31:30 GMT -5
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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