Joke of the Day !

[Irwin]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!

[Irwin]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

"So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[Irwin]

The Blonde & The Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.
And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy in line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

[Irwin]

blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small -- what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windooows!

[Irwin]

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."


She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[Irwin]

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?"
The biker responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?" The biker responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."
Then, suddenly, there is a curve, but the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood and surely dying, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
The man replies, "Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years".
The biker asks, "Where are the brakes?"

[Irwin]

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

[K3DirtRacing]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard, smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg,
looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess
we finally answered THAT question!"

[2WEiS]

there's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are running from the cops. well the brunette hid herself in a sack with a dog on it, the redhead hid in a sack with a cat on it, and the blonde hid in a sack with a potatoe on it.
the officer came up and kicked the bag with the dog on it. so the brunette went,"roof roof".
the officer went to the sack with the cat on it and the redhead went,"meow meow".
the officer kicked the sack with the potatoe on it and the blonde went,"potatoe potatoe"



TROUBLE AND SHUT UP
there are these 2 guys named trouble and shutup.
trouble is missing
so shut up went to go look for him
a police officer stopped shut up
the police officer said wats ur name
he replied,"shut up"
once agian the police officer said wats ur name
he replied agian,"shut up"
police officer said,"r u looking for trouble?"
and shut up said,"yea have u seen him?"

[Whizbang]

This ain't a joke, but it just struck me funny. Joshs' grandfather was griping about kds not learning anything in school. Josh seen a t-shirt awhile back, and used the slogan off of it for his reply. This is what he told pappaw. Hey Larry, did you know 5 out of 4 kids have problems with fractions. Larry said, That's what i'm talking about. A lot of people can't even do basic math, like that. They don't teach them like when i went to school.
He never did get it.

[2WEiS]

what do micheal jackson and PS2 have in common?
~little boys turn them on
~they are both supposed to be black

what do micheal jackson and walmart have in common?
~both have little boys pants half off

how do u kno if micheal jackson is having a party?
~if there are big wheels in the drive way

[Irwin]

Two blonde construction workers were nailing up siding on a house one on a ladder and the other on the ground, every so often the one on the ladder would throw a nail on the ground, the one on the ground asked why are you doing that the one on the ladder said when I pull them out of my nail bag some of them are made backwards so I throw them away, the other said you dumba$$ dont throw them away, those are for the other side of the house.

[2WEiS]

a smart blonde, a dum blonde, santa clause, & the easter bunny are all in a race. who wins?

answer:
dum blonde
reason:
she is the only one that exists

[Irwin]

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[2WEiS]

WHAT DiD THE BLONDE SAY WHEN THE DOCTOR TOLD HER SHE WAS PREGNANT???

ANSWER:
iS iT MiNE?

[Whizbang]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry
frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting
you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he
hopes will impress her.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want try someting I hear
about... numbaa 69".

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..."You want... chicken wiff
broccowee?!"

[Whizbang]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-steller space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.
"A martini, please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question,"What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh.....'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"

[Whizbang]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely
has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical
students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you
think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old
man said: "You thought......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong

[Whizbang]

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the
Helicopter in front of the White House, he was
Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention,
Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these
Are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of
The House Nancy Pelosi."


The squared away Marine again snaps to attention,
Salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir

[Irwin]

;D

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks how did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!. The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an ***hole when you're drunk, Superman."