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Post by Whizbang on Jul 28, 2007 4:05:05 GMT -5
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There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys! Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman, of course. She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here! Men, keep on reading. >
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* Response From A Man *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. That explains why there was a car accident in the first place.
Oh, and if you're a woman and you're still reading this, it illustrates another point:
Women don't listen, either!
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Post by Whizbang on Jul 28, 2007 4:08:57 GMT -5
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle... especially in public.
From a small town in Ohio comes this story of a couple who drove to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed it. The wife returned later to see a small group of people standing around the car. On closer inspection she saw her husband lying beneath the car, but he was laying in such a manner that his private parts were glaringly public parts!
Embarrassed, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly tucked everything back in place. As she stood up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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Post by Whizbang on Jul 30, 2007 17:19:28 GMT -5
A professional genealogical researcher discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow who was lacking in character, was hanged for horse theft and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged in 1889." The genealogist e-mailed the photo to Hillary Clinton for comments. Her staff scanned the picture, cropped it, filtered the grainy contrast, re-scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so all that's seen is a clear head shot. They returned the photo with an updated biographical sketch as follows:
"Remus Rodham was a well known cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a secure government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." And THAT, folks, is how it's done!
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Post by Irwin on Aug 13, 2007 21:21:36 GMT -5
ENGLISH ....................... CHINESE WAY
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man. .......................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat
9) Its very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah
16) whats up........................wa sa pen ing
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Post by Irwin on Aug 13, 2007 21:26:03 GMT -5
Two good ole boys in a trailer park, there, in Ohio, were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while, the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin ?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."
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Post by Whizbang on Aug 14, 2007 8:12:03 GMT -5
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
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Post by Whizbang on Aug 14, 2007 8:25:22 GMT -5
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what this cat likes best!
For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of flat bread.
That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.
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Post by Whizbang on Aug 14, 2007 8:29:33 GMT -5
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"
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Post by Whizbang on Sept 8, 2007 2:00:39 GMT -5
A hunting story.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!
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Post by Whizbang on Oct 16, 2007 19:08:22 GMT -5
Dusty Underwear
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker:....
"It's not talcum powder......
It's 'Miracle Grow'."
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Post by edmisten on Apr 30, 2008 7:59:40 GMT -5
That's really funny the thing about Vance! LOL!
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Post by edmisten on May 1, 2008 11:04:02 GMT -5
What does a prositute and the o-zone layer have in common?
ANSWER: they both have a hole the size of Texas
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Post by Irwin on Jun 3, 2008 22:06:38 GMT -5
When you know you ve had a bad day !
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Post by Irwin on Jun 3, 2008 22:14:03 GMT -5
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Post by Irwin on Jun 17, 2008 22:28:45 GMT -5
You may be a Taliban if....
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." 10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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