2WEiS
Stock 4 Cyl Driver
♥ ALANAH WEIS ♥
Posts: 49
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Post by 2WEiS on Feb 12, 2007 20:26:00 GMT -5
there's this little boy. and his math teacher was a colts fan. and his sci. teacher was a bears fan. his teachers asked him what kind of fan he was. he replied idk well what would i be if my mom is a drug addict and my daddy is in jail. the teachers replied then you are definitly a BENGALS fan!
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Post by Whizbang on Feb 16, 2007 17:06:24 GMT -5
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "CRAP!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
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Post by Irwin on Feb 17, 2007 22:02:43 GMT -5
A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I let you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
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Post by Whizbang on Feb 20, 2007 9:10:06 GMT -5
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the thingypit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates
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Post by Irwin on Feb 26, 2007 20:48:21 GMT -5
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
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Post by Whizbang on Feb 28, 2007 11:10:27 GMT -5
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Post by Whizbang on Mar 15, 2007 8:14:36 GMT -5
What does XXX stand for in a porno film? It's the signature of the three blondes who act in it.
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Post by Whizbang on Mar 15, 2007 8:18:05 GMT -5
Top 10 Caddy Comments.
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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Post by Irwin on Mar 30, 2007 16:51:05 GMT -5
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
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Post by Irwin on Mar 30, 2007 16:57:24 GMT -5
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. Did you help him? She asks. No, I did not, it is 3o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?""Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" ask the husband "Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk !
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2WEiS
Stock 4 Cyl Driver
♥ ALANAH WEIS ♥
Posts: 49
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Post by 2WEiS on Apr 3, 2007 11:16:13 GMT -5
There is a Mexican and a Black Guy sittin in a car. Who's driving???
answer: THE COPS
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Post by Whizbang on Apr 8, 2007 9:02:16 GMT -5
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
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Post by Whizbang on Apr 25, 2007 8:34:28 GMT -5
Man Is Like An Automobile.
As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get any where that way.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
Gentlemen...start your engines
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Post by Irwin on May 5, 2007 21:21:26 GMT -5
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off of it!
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Post by Irwin on May 5, 2007 21:25:06 GMT -5
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"
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Post by Irwin on Jun 12, 2007 16:14:43 GMT -5
9. “I’m sorry Ms. Hilton but this strain is penicillin-resistant.”
8. “Great news Paris! The judge has decided to lower your sentence if you can just pass this simple spelling test.”
7. “I accidentally broke your autographed Pablo Escobar straw.”
6. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the Reverend Al Sharpton is here as an advocate in your case. The bad news is you’re white.”
5. “You know how Tinkerbell always tries to take the cheese out of those traps? Well, he was a bit sluggish today and…”
4. “Hmmm. It seems that Newsweek’s CW has done an about-face regarding spoiled, talentless sleepers.”
3. “The doctor has ordered two months of pelvic rest.”
2. “The judge has issued a media blackout.”
1. “This is strange. It says they do have tossed salad here at the jail, but apparently you’ll have to remove Lakisha ‘Big Momma Moose Knuckle’ Washington’s thong to get it.”
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Post by Whizbang on Jun 25, 2007 11:23:08 GMT -5
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt. Police suspect a cereal killer.
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Post by Whizbang on Jun 25, 2007 11:28:18 GMT -5
GAS STATION JOKE
Attendant : "How may I help you?"
Old Man : "Please fill it up."
Old Lady : "What did he say?"
Old Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up."
Attendant : "So, where are you heading?"
Old Man : "To Chicago to see our Grandchildren."
Old Lady : "What did he say?"
Old Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids." Attendant : "It sure is a nice day for a drive."
Old Man : "Yes, it's been quite pleasant."
Old Lady : "What did he say?"
Old Man : "He said its good weather."
Attendant : "Where are you coming from?"
Old Man : "We started our trip from Pittsburgh."
Old Lady : "What did he say?"
Old Man : "He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh."
Attendant : "I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed."
Old lady : "What did he say?"
Old Man : "He says he knows you."
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Post by Whizbang on Jun 27, 2007 7:48:51 GMT -5
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support" Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
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Post by Whizbang on Jul 19, 2007 9:18:43 GMT -5
A thingyy U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."
The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
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